21 Days of Financial Honesty - Will the SECRET be my downfall?

My financial life is in shambles. It is falling apart. I am fully and completely to blame.

I am a 32 year old woman who prides herself on her ability to work a "support while I make it" job as I chase my dream of being a working actress in film and television. I fully, 100% believe that I create my own reality. . . so how did I end up here?

Here begins Day ONE of 21 Days of Financial Honesty.
First the facts . . .
I am 32 years old.
I work a pretty good job at a swanky restaurant in West Hollywood that has health insurance.
I lease a sweet 2011 Honda Civic.
I have $50 in my savings account.
I live pay check to pay check.
I rent a 2 bedroom, 1 bath Craftsman house in a really great neighborhood of Los Angeles that I rent with a roommate.
I have $8,000 in credit card debt.
I owe the IRS $3000 because I was audited a few years back.
I had to ask my parents for money.
I am 32 years old. 

I have never been in a financial situation that I was seriously worried about. I'm a little bit worried now. So, what happened? How did I get here? I have lived for 10 years in Los Angeles supporting myself and my dream. I've been blessed in the job department, though the two restaurants that I've worked at are restaurants and not acting gigs as I would like, they are pretty easy gigs, which provided me with a stable (ish) income, great friends and health insurance. The last few years I've been able to work 25-30 hours a week, taking vacation whenever I want to and leaving my days open for auditions.

Why now? Why does this all feel like the world is crashing around me now? Let's be honest, I haven't had the greatest year, struck down by a broken ankle, I was on disability for 6 months, which, while it provided a pretty good income, it did not cover all of my bills. Turns out I have a pretty high overhead.

I am going to blog about this for 21 days as I examine WHAT HAPPENED? How did I get here? What can I do? and How can I fix it?

NUMBER ONE ---- IGNORE IT and it WILL GO AWAY. . . .
This does not actually work in the financial world. As I mentioned previously I believe in the power of the mind to create your own reality, however, the risk of the SECRET is that its almost impossible to believe you have unending streams of abundance if you can't afford to go out to dinner, buy a new dress when you want to, put gas in your car, you get the idea. There is no one in the world who has such control over their thoughts so much so that you can attract abundance as you pray that your car makes it home on the remaining gas fumes you have. ESPECIALLY since they say your feelings are the number one attractor to creating your world.

I have a horrible habit on NOT looking at the reality of my finances. LITERALLY, looking at my bank account. So, for the next 21 days. I vow to ACTUALLY look at my bank account, everyday, online, so I KNOW what's in there, what I can spend and to make sure that no one else has stolen my debit card and went on a free for all at the KMARTS up in Valencia, which happened to me earlier this year. It really has been one hell of a year.

I also vow to keep track of all of the purchases I have made on my debit card. Remember the good old days when you wanted to access your bank account you had to actually write a check and then while you were standing in line at the grocery store you could fill out the Check register and write down how much money you spent? Each week you could sit down and subtract all of those transactions and know exactly how much you spent? Do you know how long it took me to remember that that thing was called a "Check Register"? Because we don't use them anymore. . . well, maybe some people do. I downloaded a free app on my iPhone called iCASH TRACKER. ALL it does is track the money in my bank account, I input a starting amount, track when I use my debit card and deposit money and it keeps a running tally for me. So I know that if my landlord hasn't cashed the rent check yet, I ONLY have $50 left to spend, not the $1000 that I THINK I have. . .

Which leads me to rack up an embarrassing amount of OVERDRAFT FEES . . . which I will blog about tomorrow.

What about you? How's your financial health these days? We spend so much time focusing on our physical health and the health of the nation, but how's your FINANCIAL health? Are you able to actually attract abundance into your world because you have control of your finances? I'm so jealous of you if you are and aspire to be just like you.

The other day I got an email from Danielle LaPorte the author of Fire Starter Sessions and someone who KNOWS how to create abundance. According to her website she used to book personal one on one coaching sessions with people for $1000 an hour. This is a woman who knows her value and has her finances worked out! Her Burning Question of the day was, What's the best piece of advice you've been given. . . it boiled down to this.

"When you 'think' it's a crisis, you've got to ask yourself: is any of this going to matter in three years?" Then you do what you got to do.

When I think about this financial crisis I'm pretty sure it won't even register in three years.  But you can be damn sure that I'm going to do what I got to do.




Check out more of her brilliance at www.daniellelaporte.com

Have you looked at your account online today? I have.

Shattering WHY I Keep Attracting Unavailable Men . . .

I've been back on the "dating market" for almost two years now. Well, if you count the year it took for my ex and I to wiggle out of one another's grasps, its been about a year. I wouldn't say that I've been actively pursuing another relationship for that entire time, but I've been open to it. I have played around on some online dating websites, never opting to pay for a site like Match.com, but poking around on Plenty of Fish and OKCupid, which are both free sites, and well, let's just say that you get what you pay for.

Lately I have met a string of very interesting, attractive and successful men. They have all seemed interested in me, tell me how wonderful they think I am. Enjoy talking to me, text me occasionally and for all intents and purposes are "showing up" for me, in a way men hadn't been doing for the last year or so. The only thing was, they were all unavailable.  I would normally chalk it up to bad luck, or divine protection, but this last string of unavailable men happened all within one month. I'm conscious enough to know that when something like this happens over and over again in my life, its something I need to look at. A friend and I were talking about this new development in my love life and contemplated what all of these unavailable men coming into my life could mean.  Knowing that things are brought into your consciousness almost like a mirror being held up to you, so you can realize what beliefs you're holding about yourself, she asked me, "In what way are you being unavailable to yourself?" After we talked about it I realized that they weren't unavailable, they were all "committed to other women.' Though they were all showing up for me and telling me how amazing they think I am, funny, talented, pretty, charming, etc, they were all choosing to commit to other women. This started on a smaller scale almost a year ago.

One of the first guys I met on Plenty of Fish and actually hung out with a few times was a pretty cool guy. We got along really well, seemed to have similar interests and backgrounds, plus, he was a good kisser. I'm a sucker for a good kisser. Shortly after the dates he and I went on he decided to start dating another girl. Therefore ending our casual dating relationship. Though it hasn't ended there. Not really. We decided to stay friends, so we did. Yet, there's still the underlying flirtation in every text and every conversation. Which, admittedly so, I egg on and kind of like. In my own twisted way, I liked the validation and the attention. Yes, its sad, and yes I've grown out of that phase. Okay, maybe not completely. Needing validation from others and loving myself for the unique, bright light that I am is something I've been working on for a few years now and I am very happy to report that I consistently love myself more on a daily basis. I realize that my light is uniquely my own and if people don't see it or want to bask in the glow of it, there's not much for me to be gained there anyway. Instead of trying to make them want to experience and love my light, I simply realize, maybe they aren't my people and there's nothing wrong with that. Why waste energy on someone like that?

Anyway, I went on a little tangent there for a minute. Back on subject, online guy and I text back and forth occasionally, we toy around with the idea of getting together, and when his girlfriend was out of town recently, tried to make plans with me for "a little trouble". This fascinates me. What is it that makes a man want to cheat on his girlfriend. This is probably another reason that I've stayed in touch with this guy. I can't figure it out to save my life. If you have chosen to be with someone, in a committed relationship and even live with them, why would you actively seek out other women. For me, that seems like a red flag that something is wrong in your relationship. Could  it be that he is simply seeking some of the validation that I seek myself? I know it's not really my job to analyze his part in this, or hers, its only my job to understand what my part was and to learn and grow from it.

My book club read an incredible book, "The Madonnas of Echo Park" by Brando Skyhorse, in it he has a passage about men and cheating. It resonated with me so much that I underlined the passage, and I never do that.

"When a man cheats on someone he's made a vow to love, honor and obey for the rest of his life, that list protects him, gives him courage, helps him reach the one lie that makes all deceit possible. I deserve this. In bed with that new woman, you feel your head, and sensation dangling between your legs, swell. This lasts until morning, when your sensation is the size of a flea and your only possessions are the lies you told them to get into bed. You guard those lies with your life, because to admit the truth is to admit how weak you are." ---The Madonnas of Echo Park pg 11 -- Brando Skyhorse

More recently. . .

I met a fabulous guy in Boston who lives in New York, because I also have an uncanny ability to attract men who live in NY, and after a lovely conversation, he told me he had a girlfriend back home. We continued our conversation as the grown adults that we were and quickly discovered that we had a lot in common and both enjoyed each others company. It was a definite case of "Another place, another time". Different circumstances and perhaps things would have been different. The amazing thing about my Gamer boy ( he works in video games) was how incredibly loyal he was and is to his girlfriend, even though they were having problems and possibly heading towards ending their relationship, he never once made an inappropriate move or did anything to disrespect his girlfriend or me. I know that this shouldn't seem like such an amazing feat, but its been awhile since I have come across a gentlemen like Gamer. Again, he was showing up for me, saying wonderful, lovely things like, "You're so funny, smart and charming, why don't you have a boyfriend?" Yet, as far as I know has remained committed to another woman, since we haven't had any contact since we met, I wouldn't know if they broke up or not.

A few weeks after that, I waited on a guy at my job who also seemed like a stand up guy. He is successful, spiritual, involved in charity and interested in helping me out with my career. There's nothing wrong with him, except for the fact that he's happily married and loves being a father to his two kids. I don't know that he necessarily fits into my pattern of men choosing to commit to other women, but he was a definite reminder that there are solid men out there, who want families and wives, the whole nine yards.

A few weeks after that, I sat next to a very interesting, Sexy Italian Man on a plane. Again, successful, ambitious, working with an organization to help save children from internet predators. I thought the universe had a great sense of humor with this one, because if I did end up with this Sexy Italian Man, I would find it very ironic, seeing as how he makes his living playing with very large guns and training counter-terrorism units and SWAT teams around the world. All of these things he does for great reasons, and for the right reasons, which is very attractive, but man, I dislike guns and their ability to rip a life away from someone before you even have a second to think about the consequences of your actions. I'm definitely a lover, not a fighter. We had a great conversation on the plane, exchanged info and have stayed in touch. He also recently informed me that he was newly dating a girl in London. This one chose to commit to a girl he has to fly across the world to see, instead of driving ten miles through the city of Los Angeles, which may actually take as long as flying to London, on certain days. ;) 

A week later, I had coffee with an actor guy I met through mutual friends in December. We had hung out a few times in January, had some successful dates I thought, though he then disappeared off the face of the planet. When we met for coffee, we had a fabulous conversation where we were both able to say what we thought had happened back in February, and promised to be honest with one another. We both expressed interest in spending more time together and I left the conversation thinking, wow, that was great, how grown up was that?! Neither of us mentioned whether we wanted to date or just be friends. . . danced around it I suppose. One can only handle SO much honest conversation and confrontation in one night ; ) After a few glasses of wine that night, we were texting back and forth and I mentioned something about kissing each other again, to which he replied, "Ohhh I should tell you I've been dating someone for a couple weeks now." AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Forget the fact that he had looked me in the eyes and told me he just wanted to be honest with me, a few hours earlier, yet neglected to mention this newfound "dating".

So, needless to say, a pattern emerged in my life and I was forced to look at it. Why are all of these seemingly wonderful men who are all in line with the type of man I want to bring into my life, choosing to commit to other women? In what way was I not committing to myself in my own life? As soon as I said it out loud using THOSE words, I had a MAJOR AHA moment. I had created some wonderful opportunities in my life lately, I have two writing gigs that I'm actually getting paid for, I'm teaching at a Montessori school, I work at 2 restaurants, baby sit occasionally, and have been very, very busy lately. SO busy focusing on writing for other people that I have no time to put into my own creative ideas. I have ideas for scripts, blogs, TV shows, etc, flying at me from every direction these days, yet was not committing to my own creativity, so the universe found a way to show that to me.

Amazing. Now that I realize WHY all of these men were being brought into my life, I'm incredibly grateful for the lesson, but MAN, that was a tough one to work out. Since then I have dialed back my obligations to other people and am spending more time working on my own creativity with things like writing this blog!

I fully expect now to meet the man of my dreams that encompasses all of the amazing qualities I got glimpses of in all of these other men . . . right universe?! Universe?!

Happy Shattering!

If you are looking for a great read, please take the time to check out my acting coach, healer and friend Dee Wallace's amazing new book, Bright Light: Spiritual Lessons from A Life in Acting! Available TOMORROW!!!
http://iamdeewallace.com/home/bright_light.html