Shattering Self- Sabotage

Self Sabotage is a bitch. We would never put up with someone else knocking us down right before we crossed a finish line, yet we do it to ourselves all the time. We get so close to a goal we can taste it and then we launch into destructive behavior that enables us to remain in our "safe, comfortable world" that we have been living just fine in. We're not necessarily super happy or thrilled with the safe, comfy place, but we're okay, we're fine, we doing alright.

Let's look at a journey I'm on right now. About 5 weeks ago I launched a HUGE goal for myself. My acting coach, Michael McCarthy, helped me to understand what a LEVERAGE goal is and its forever changed how I will look at goals. A LEVERAGE goal is one that if you succeed at accomplishing it, you will also knock down other existing goals you have. For instance, if I get down to the size 6 that I have always wanted to be, I will feel great, but I will also be in a clear category as an actress. I have always felt that I confuse casting directors, producers, directors, the people who give me the jobs, because I am too pretty to be the quirky best friend and too big to be the leading lady. I don't think this has to be the truth of me, but it sure seems to be, and I'm at this point in my life where I am READY to book commercials, acting gigs on TV and great roles in incredible little indie films, so why not do everything in MY power to make it easier? Plus, I obviously believe this as a truth, and as someone who creates her own world with her thoughts, it surely has manifested in my life. Achieving my health and fitness goal will then help me achieve career goals, financial goal and fun, travel goals, therefore making it a LEVERAGE goal.

Being able to see this goal as a LEVERAGE goal has helped me stick to the regime I set up for myself. My goal is to lose 40 lbs in 4 months. This is a completely attainable goal as I only have to lose 2.5 lbs per week. I've been making a menu every week, shopping with a grocery list, and working out 4-5 times a week. The first week I lost 5 lbs. The second week I lost 5 lbs. The 3rd week I lost 2 and the 4th week I lost 1 lb. I lost 13 lbs in ONE MONTH. I'm ahead of the game.

Week 5 I got a little fatigued from making the menus, the shopping lists, etc (which help in a HUGE way) and I had a lot of leftover food in my fridge, residual behavior from when I used to do monthly shopping for our family of 6 with my Mom, I always buy too much for 1 person. I took a break, I stuck to the diet, but I didn't have a menu or a shopping list, just ate what I had left and didn't worry about it. Then I went out with some friends and had some drinks, some great food and some wine. Too much. BUT we had a lot of fun and I realize that if I'm successful at life I'm going to have to be able to be a human and go out, treat myself and get right back on plan.

I'm starting to suspect that Self Sabotage is at play here. We're in Week 6 and yesterday I stuck to my plan until I had a little cheese at lunch and then some potatoes at dinner and THEN ice cream. NONE of those things are on the plan.

Googling Self Sabotage I found this definition:
"Behavior is said to be self-sabotaging when it creates problems and interferes with long-standing goals. The most common selsabotaging behaviors are procrasination, self medication with drugs or alcohol, comfort eating in the face of weight concerns, and self injury such as cutting. These acts may seem helpful in the moment, but ultimately undermine us, especially when we engage in them repeatedly." --- Psychologytoday.com

Behavior that cuts us off at the knees and stops us from completing our goals. There is also a scientific reason that we self sabotage. our bodies do it for us as an act of protection from the fear of the unknown that we are facing. In the 60's Dr. Maxwell Maltz wrote a book called Psycho Cybernetics exploring why his plastic surgery patients who he had repaired cleft palates or deformities had such extreme reactions to the after result. There were some patients who after he fixed them saw only the ugly deformity that had been there before, while another would have the complete opposite reaction and be thrilled. He quickly discovered that the patients were reacting to their "labels" and the "identities" that they knew of themselves. Your nervous system behaves according to your labels and sets your internal thermostat expecting them to stay at the same level. When we set goals, and begin to push ourselves outside of the comfort zone, your nervous system will activate in order to keep you in the safe and comfortable zone.  This explains why when you begin pursuing a goal, seemingly external and internal forces will align to distract you from accomplishing your goal, keeping you right in that safe, cozy, comfortable place you’ve come to know and love.

I see this type of behavior in my actor friends all of the time. One of them recently went to SXSW film festival because he was the lead in a movie that premiered there. I asked him about his experience and he said that it was overwhelming and exciting and he had very little time to do anything but be interviewed and talk about the movie. He was treated like a true movie star who is the lead in a movie, something he has wanted for a long time. He told me he was relieved to be back at his job, waiting tables, that he was happy there and it felt nice to be back. Luckily, he knew he was in the process of Self Sabotaging himself and recognized that though he was comfortable waiting tables that he wouldn't allow himself to push away all the success from this movie!

Fear can make us freeze, fear can cause us to play it safe, fear is a bitch, therefore it must be part of self sabotage.

I do not want to be a waitress forever, I'm tired of having to live paycheck to paycheck and I am SO over getting THIS close to booking a job and having them give it to the other girl. Enough universe, its time to allow me success, abundance, freedom, bliss, humor, love, money and everything this little size 6 heart desires. I will be comfortable being the pretty girl, I will be okay with turning heads and attention that I am not used to.

The number one thing I've learned to love on this journey already is exercise. I've done made myself addicted to exercising. When I don't go workout for a few days in a row now I feel antsy and bad. I have been active for a lot of my life, but I don't think I ever expected to be addicted to exercising. Its now not something I have to decide if I want to do it or not, its not a choice, its just something that I do as a part of my regular day.

I'm recommitting to my goal. 40 lbs in 4 months. I know I can do this. I will succeed at it and my cybernetic system can relax, because its gonna go through a change as well!

; ) Shattering Emoticon Overuse : )

I wonder if people expected that one day grown ups would often include a smiley drawn into their everyday writings? It seems rather silly when you think about a 32 year old woman journaling and including a : ) . It has become socially accepted and dare I say socially expected to help decipher just HOW you're supposed to feel about that particular sentence.

Why can't people just say what they want to say and allow people to feel whatever it is they want about it? If, after reading it, its something that they are unhappy about they can have an honest conversation about what it was that upset them. Perhaps they would get to know one another on a deeper level because they would be forced to learn about each other through their adult-ish conversation.  To understand what upsets a person usually involves some back history, a personal anecdote or God forbid some tears and genuine emotion.

I often use the "wink" ; ) to excuse a passive aggressive text or almost as an apology about something I was truly upset about. So why apologize? Why not just allow what you said to be heard, without comment or guidance, so you can actually deal with it? There's such a level of disconnection in our society today that allows us to hide behind this technology, which is actually designed to bring us closer. Closer in the sense that it connects you with people all over the world that you may not have met before.

Gone are the days where you would have 10-20 close friends who would drop by regularly to chat. We've ushered in and welcomed with open arms a world where we have 1,000 acquaintances that we are kept abreast of their every move, feeling and political outlook filtered through what they want us to know about them. Or in the case of the younger generation NOT filtered through anything since they literally share their every little move, sometimes to their own detriment. Note passing and gossiping in middle school got me in enough trouble without the ability for the entire world to participate, "like" it and comment on it.  I can't imagine who I would be or what my life would be like if I had grown up with Facebook or all of this texting. I'm sure I would have been very uncomfortable and cried a lot of tears. Or maybe my writing ability would have allowed me to break in to the cool crowd?

Yeah, okay, probably not. : )

Damn it.

Shattering Honest Connection, Real Feelings and Male/ Female Friendships.

A crush is a powerful thing. Your crush remains powerful until it becomes known. When you see someone that sparks that spark and ignites that hope, there's not much you can do to destroy the image of them that intrigued you in the first place. It usually only starts to die or erode the more that you actually interact with them. I personally LOVE crushes. I LOVE the excitement of meeting someone new and dancing around them with a spark of interest and laughter. I say dance because that is how it feels when this magic happens; like your energy is dancing around one another.

I have crushes ALL the time. Sometimes they last a moment, sometimes they last years, sometimes a few days,  but they all pan out differently. I have been working on living a year of honest connection and doing my best to connect truthfully with everyone that I come into contact with. It has been an interesting journey so far, but sometimes it creates confusion amongst myself, and the person I'm connecting with. Think about this, when was the last time that you actually looked someone in the eyes? I ask, because I have noticed that there are an alarmingly SMALL amount of people that will actually look you in the eyes when you talk to them. I was one of those people, and I had no idea, until I realized, that I could not tell you the color of my best friends eyes. How was that possible? I live with Megan, we work together, we hang out together, spend a lot of time together, yet I couldn't tell you what color EYES she had? I was shocked. I thought, wow, this is a serious problem. From that point on, I vowed that I would know what color of eyes all of my friends have. I took it one step deeper and embarked on a journey of growth that is ongoing (obviously) as it always should be, and it has now evolved into connecting on a deeper level with everyone I interact with.

Here lies the issue: People do not connect on a regular basis, face to face, or voice to voice even. A lot of time is spent connecting via Facebook or texting,  and I.M.ing, that its almost as if we have forgotten how to connect with each other if its not in digital form. I try to go through my days now making eye contact,  sending them my energy and being open to receive others energy and what they're all about.

It has been an interesting experiment. They get confused. I get confused. Why? Well, I meet someone, look them in their eyes, they make eye contact back and that dance of energy starts to happen, but because we're so unfamiliar with such a connected exchange, people misinterpret its meaning.  Suddenly he thinks I'm interested, or I think he's interested. We have an interesting conversation and connect on a deeper level, I think wow, this guy is awesome, I could date him, and then he mentions his live in girlfriend, wife, etc. Make sense? So, my question is; is it just that we used to know how to play this game and dance this dance with one another and we've simply forgotten? Because when we connect in this manner as opposed to crafting a well written text, FB message, online dating profile, etc, we have the time to craft it with a perfect amount of wit and charm, with the safety of deleting things we are unsure of?? Limiting and deleting the delicious flaws and flubs that make all of us so beautifully human?

Is this an ability that we have lost or simply a new skill that we are cultivating? Its fair to say that most relationships in the 50's and 60's were lacking a deep, emotional connection. (Of course there are exceptions, my grandparents being one of them). A lot of people found their husbands or wives within a five mile radius to the home they grew up in. Today, it is entirely feasible to meet the love of your life within the confines of your own home, even though they live across the world in Singapore. The world has gotten bigger and more accessible, all the while making it feel smaller and smaller. I often think about what my life would be like had our world remained small and limited. Would I have found a boy in my hometown that I settled down with and raised a happy family?! Maybe? Or perhaps all of the past generations and their struggles to define relationships and break out of traditional molds have led us to this exact place?

Which leads me to my next question. Can men and women simply just be friends? I've had multiple conversations about the differences between men and women. Since the dawn of existence men were designed to spread their seed and keep the human race alive, while women were built to nurture and mother, take care of the human race. Is it so embedded in our bodies from past lives and experiences that we are unable to overcome our cave man tendencies? Or is this a convenient excuse?

Someone said to me recently that in every man/ woman friendship there lies different degrees of sexual attraction. I would like to think that I am adult enough to be able to control my attraction to someone that is unavailable or in a relationship. And I will say that so far, I have been.  There have been studies about the science of attraction and proof that levels of desire and chemistry vary within different partnerships. That the more time you spend with a partner with that high level of chemistry the stronger it gets. Does chemistry have the ability to override judgment, morals and ethics in solid, trustworthy, reliable people? I can't say that this is something I've ever experienced. There were boys in college that were in a relationship that I enjoyed getting attention from, but it wasn't a chemical thing. Back then it was an insecurity issue, and having myself validated through their attention.

One thing is for certain, human beings are complex, complicated people who have to be able to function in ever changing and challenging environments. I LOVE IT. I love the ride and the experience of showing up and being 100% present in every moment and every connection. I don't know that there are answers to all of my questions, but I'd rather buckle up and swerve through this little obstacle course we call life than sit in the driver seat terrified to turn the key in the ignition.

Get out there and shatter that facade of connection you carry with you. Confuse yourself. Confuse them. Let's dance.