Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Why now? Why this age? Why am I freaking out?
I have always been proud of the fact that I am a positive person. I can always find the joy, bliss, freedom, silver lining in any moment in my life. Things can be crashing down around me and I can consciously say, "There has to be a lesson in here somewhere", or "This is happening for a reason" and actually believe it. This year has been different and I don't know why.
Why now? Why 34? Why am I suddenly really angry, frustrated and just plain mad that I don't have everything I want? Not to mention, I feel like a failure.
I've been living in Los Angeles for 12 years now, pursuing a career in entertainment as an actress, writer and producer, and I am proud of the life I lead everyday. Lately, I haven't been able to see all the fun, wonderful things that I have done and the life that I have created for myself, all I can see and feel is the failures. I haven't booked a role on Television, I haven't been in any films with a wide theatrical release, I've been waiting tables for too GOD DAMN long and I've been on Mother F-in avail for more commercials than I care to admit.
I'm also 34, single, with no real prospects in sight. I've never felt pressure to be married or start a family before, but 34 has brought this into my world. Is it me just letting myself know that I'm really ready for this? The science of my body saying, "Hey, you ain't getting any younger!" - Rude. Really rude. I'm not getting any pressure from my family, but as I watch my niece and nephew get older, I long for them to have cousins to grow up with and experience life with built in friends the way that we did.
I personally know people who's journey in Hollywood took 15 years or longer before they hit a level of success where they could quit their "day job" and actually make money acting. Eric Stonestreet of Modern Family was in LA for 15 years before he landed that life changing role. I was working at Kate Mantilini with Kate Flannery, waiting tables every day, when she had trouble letting go of her shifts at the restaurant even though The Office was renewed for a 2nd season and one of the most popular sitcoms on at the time, because she had seen almost successes for so long, it was almost impossible for her to comprehend that this was HER life changing role.
Sometimes chasing your dreams is hard, lonely, scary, full of doubt, pick your favorite doom filled adjective and run with it. BUT, in the long run there isn't much else I'd like to be doing. I've thought about going home with my tail tucked between my legs, really letting the failure, pity and sadness eek into my life, but that's not who I am. At my core I can find the silver lining and know that when I find my life changing role and the love that is meant to be my partner in crime, that it really will be the right time, right person, etc.
Bring it on 34, we've got 6 months to find our silver lining.
Monday, April 8, 2013
The Vulnerability of Crowd Funding.
Recently I came across a TED talk by Brene Brown on Facebook that one of my friends had posted. I often turn on TED talks while I am doing something else, but Brene's resonated so deeply with me that I quickly found myself just listening to her talk, The Power of Vulnerability. I've never heard of anyone like Brene Brown. She actually studies human connection for a living. She investigates vulnerability, courage, authenticity and shame and how they affect human connection. Human connection is something that I think about often and its a driving force behind why I want to make films, act and tell stories. Connection, human connection, is important and the future of humanity is going to rely on it.
I quickly found Brene's second TED Talk, Listening to Shame, which led me to buying her book, "Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead." I'm only 3 chapters into her book and I've already been blown away multiple times. As I sat and composed another email asking for people to support my Crowd Funding campaign I had an AHA moment. Putting myself out there and asking people to support art that I have yet to create may be the most vulnerable thing I've ever done.
Vulnerability has got to be one of the most terrifying human emotions. Vulnerability is often perceived as weakness. Brene defines vulnerability as " uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure." In Brene's book, she says, "To put our art, our writing, our photography, our ideas out into the world with no assurance of acceptance or appreciation -- that's also vulnerability." I'm an actor, I write and now I produce projects. I'm used to putting vulnerability out in the world. If you've read my blog at all, you know that I often share things that most people wouldn't tell their best friends. I know that in order to connect you have to be vulnerable. That doesn't make it any easier. I've struggled with it in acting class and had Dee Wallace screaming at me, "If you want to act, you have to bare your soul. The reason people love actors is because they allow real vulnerability to be seen in every moment." (She doesn't scream very loudly and she's actually quite nice.)
To ask for help is one of the greatest ways to make yourself vulnerable. With my crowd funding campaign for my short film, "Tactics", I've hit the vulnerability jackpot. Not only am I asking for help, I'm asking you to support my art before its become a full fledged vision. Its one thing to make it, put it out in the world, and let people judge it. Its quite another to ask for help before there's anything to show for it. I have the script written, I have a very talented director, J.T. Mollner on board to helm the film and I know that its going to be great.
That doesn't make it any easier to reach out consistently, daily, numerous times a day to ask for help, to ask people to support your dreams.
The outpouring of support that I have received has been amazing. I have received donations from people that I would have never guessed would donate to my film. I've gotten amazing letters, notes of support and FB posts from old friends reaching out, telling me they are proud of me, and admire that I'm actually living my dreams, pursuing my passion and honoring my creativity. Its inspiring, comforting and just plain nice to hear.
Within the support there have also been numerous questions asked by friends, acquaintances, strangers. "Why do you need so much money?" "You can make a short film for less than that." "Why would you pay yourself to make a film that you're asking people to donate money to?" (If I do this as a SAG project, I would technically pay myself as the actress in the film). With every question I have been forced to look at myself and re-evaluate whether I have the right to ask for this amount of money, any money, the ability to make movies at all. I know that some of these questions come from my own hesitations and doubt, from being raised in a family that taught me not to ask for money from friends ever, from the vulnerability of putting myself out to the world and asking for help. I don't like asking for help. I don't like being in a state of weakness, which is how I would have perceived vulnerability before I came across Brene Brown. I know now that asking for help, standing in my power and knowing that my art, my creativity is worth the effort is actually strength and power.
I made a short film last year that won awards on the festival circuit and actually have that experience under my belt. J.T. has multiple films under his belt that have won mulitple awards and received distribution. I know that I have knowledge and the ability to see this film through to fruition!
I know that the amount of people that seem to be crowd funding these days can sometimes be overwhelming but the next time you come across some one's crowd funding campaign remember how much vulnerability and risk went into them being able to ask you for help. We live in an incredible world where you can actually contribute to films, albums and art projects that you want to see, that resonate with you or that open your hearts. We are in the midst of watching the world of creativity change! "Veronica Mars", a TV show that has a cult following recently blew everyone away when they set a goal of raising $2 million in order to make the movie version of the TV show and in less than 5 hours they had raised $1 million dollars and in 11 hours hit their goal of $2 million dollars! They currently have over $4.5 million dollars raised and a few days left to go! Incredible!
Today there are 12 days left in my campaign on PasserBy. I'm almost half way to my goal. I want to hit my goal. I know I'm worth trusting and knowing that I can hit my goal.
From the bottom of my heart, in gratitude and love, thank you for allowing me to show you my vulnerability and for trusting that I know what to do with it.
If you want to help "Tactics" and me hit my goal, please donate here! Passer.by/films/tactics
Here's to DARING GREATLY!!
My IMDB page http://www.imdb.com/name/nm2235318/
J.T. Mollner's IMDB Page http://www.imdb.com/name/nm2356768/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
"Just Like the Movies" on YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9iATP1xMuM
I quickly found Brene's second TED Talk, Listening to Shame, which led me to buying her book, "Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead." I'm only 3 chapters into her book and I've already been blown away multiple times. As I sat and composed another email asking for people to support my Crowd Funding campaign I had an AHA moment. Putting myself out there and asking people to support art that I have yet to create may be the most vulnerable thing I've ever done.
Vulnerability has got to be one of the most terrifying human emotions. Vulnerability is often perceived as weakness. Brene defines vulnerability as " uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure." In Brene's book, she says, "To put our art, our writing, our photography, our ideas out into the world with no assurance of acceptance or appreciation -- that's also vulnerability." I'm an actor, I write and now I produce projects. I'm used to putting vulnerability out in the world. If you've read my blog at all, you know that I often share things that most people wouldn't tell their best friends. I know that in order to connect you have to be vulnerable. That doesn't make it any easier. I've struggled with it in acting class and had Dee Wallace screaming at me, "If you want to act, you have to bare your soul. The reason people love actors is because they allow real vulnerability to be seen in every moment." (She doesn't scream very loudly and she's actually quite nice.)
To ask for help is one of the greatest ways to make yourself vulnerable. With my crowd funding campaign for my short film, "Tactics", I've hit the vulnerability jackpot. Not only am I asking for help, I'm asking you to support my art before its become a full fledged vision. Its one thing to make it, put it out in the world, and let people judge it. Its quite another to ask for help before there's anything to show for it. I have the script written, I have a very talented director, J.T. Mollner on board to helm the film and I know that its going to be great.
That doesn't make it any easier to reach out consistently, daily, numerous times a day to ask for help, to ask people to support your dreams.
The outpouring of support that I have received has been amazing. I have received donations from people that I would have never guessed would donate to my film. I've gotten amazing letters, notes of support and FB posts from old friends reaching out, telling me they are proud of me, and admire that I'm actually living my dreams, pursuing my passion and honoring my creativity. Its inspiring, comforting and just plain nice to hear.
Within the support there have also been numerous questions asked by friends, acquaintances, strangers. "Why do you need so much money?" "You can make a short film for less than that." "Why would you pay yourself to make a film that you're asking people to donate money to?" (If I do this as a SAG project, I would technically pay myself as the actress in the film). With every question I have been forced to look at myself and re-evaluate whether I have the right to ask for this amount of money, any money, the ability to make movies at all. I know that some of these questions come from my own hesitations and doubt, from being raised in a family that taught me not to ask for money from friends ever, from the vulnerability of putting myself out to the world and asking for help. I don't like asking for help. I don't like being in a state of weakness, which is how I would have perceived vulnerability before I came across Brene Brown. I know now that asking for help, standing in my power and knowing that my art, my creativity is worth the effort is actually strength and power.
I made a short film last year that won awards on the festival circuit and actually have that experience under my belt. J.T. has multiple films under his belt that have won mulitple awards and received distribution. I know that I have knowledge and the ability to see this film through to fruition!
I know that the amount of people that seem to be crowd funding these days can sometimes be overwhelming but the next time you come across some one's crowd funding campaign remember how much vulnerability and risk went into them being able to ask you for help. We live in an incredible world where you can actually contribute to films, albums and art projects that you want to see, that resonate with you or that open your hearts. We are in the midst of watching the world of creativity change! "Veronica Mars", a TV show that has a cult following recently blew everyone away when they set a goal of raising $2 million in order to make the movie version of the TV show and in less than 5 hours they had raised $1 million dollars and in 11 hours hit their goal of $2 million dollars! They currently have over $4.5 million dollars raised and a few days left to go! Incredible!
Today there are 12 days left in my campaign on PasserBy. I'm almost half way to my goal. I want to hit my goal. I know I'm worth trusting and knowing that I can hit my goal.
From the bottom of my heart, in gratitude and love, thank you for allowing me to show you my vulnerability and for trusting that I know what to do with it.
If you want to help "Tactics" and me hit my goal, please donate here! Passer.by/films/tactics
Here's to DARING GREATLY!!
My IMDB page http://www.imdb.com/name/nm2235318/
J.T. Mollner's IMDB Page http://www.imdb.com/name/nm2356768/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
"Just Like the Movies" on YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9iATP1xMuM
Monday, November 14, 2011
; ) Shattering Emoticon Overuse : )
I wonder if people expected that one day grown ups would often include a smiley drawn into their everyday writings? It seems rather silly when you think about a 32 year old woman journaling and including a : ) . It has become socially accepted and dare I say socially expected to help decipher just HOW you're supposed to feel about that particular sentence.
Why can't people just say what they want to say and allow people to feel whatever it is they want about it? If, after reading it, its something that they are unhappy about they can have an honest conversation about what it was that upset them. Perhaps they would get to know one another on a deeper level because they would be forced to learn about each other through their adult-ish conversation. To understand what upsets a person usually involves some back history, a personal anecdote or God forbid some tears and genuine emotion.
I often use the "wink" ; ) to excuse a passive aggressive text or almost as an apology about something I was truly upset about. So why apologize? Why not just allow what you said to be heard, without comment or guidance, so you can actually deal with it? There's such a level of disconnection in our society today that allows us to hide behind this technology, which is actually designed to bring us closer. Closer in the sense that it connects you with people all over the world that you may not have met before.
Gone are the days where you would have 10-20 close friends who would drop by regularly to chat. We've ushered in and welcomed with open arms a world where we have 1,000 acquaintances that we are kept abreast of their every move, feeling and political outlook filtered through what they want us to know about them. Or in the case of the younger generation NOT filtered through anything since they literally share their every little move, sometimes to their own detriment. Note passing and gossiping in middle school got me in enough trouble without the ability for the entire world to participate, "like" it and comment on it. I can't imagine who I would be or what my life would be like if I had grown up with Facebook or all of this texting. I'm sure I would have been very uncomfortable and cried a lot of tears. Or maybe my writing ability would have allowed me to break in to the cool crowd?
Yeah, okay, probably not. : )
Damn it.
Why can't people just say what they want to say and allow people to feel whatever it is they want about it? If, after reading it, its something that they are unhappy about they can have an honest conversation about what it was that upset them. Perhaps they would get to know one another on a deeper level because they would be forced to learn about each other through their adult-ish conversation. To understand what upsets a person usually involves some back history, a personal anecdote or God forbid some tears and genuine emotion.
I often use the "wink" ; ) to excuse a passive aggressive text or almost as an apology about something I was truly upset about. So why apologize? Why not just allow what you said to be heard, without comment or guidance, so you can actually deal with it? There's such a level of disconnection in our society today that allows us to hide behind this technology, which is actually designed to bring us closer. Closer in the sense that it connects you with people all over the world that you may not have met before.
Gone are the days where you would have 10-20 close friends who would drop by regularly to chat. We've ushered in and welcomed with open arms a world where we have 1,000 acquaintances that we are kept abreast of their every move, feeling and political outlook filtered through what they want us to know about them. Or in the case of the younger generation NOT filtered through anything since they literally share their every little move, sometimes to their own detriment. Note passing and gossiping in middle school got me in enough trouble without the ability for the entire world to participate, "like" it and comment on it. I can't imagine who I would be or what my life would be like if I had grown up with Facebook or all of this texting. I'm sure I would have been very uncomfortable and cried a lot of tears. Or maybe my writing ability would have allowed me to break in to the cool crowd?
Yeah, okay, probably not. : )
Damn it.
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