Why now? Why this age? Why am I freaking out?

I have always been proud of the fact that I am a positive person. I can always find the joy, bliss, freedom, silver lining in any moment in my life. Things can be crashing down around me and I can consciously say, "There has to be a lesson in here somewhere", or "This is happening for a reason" and actually believe it. This year has been different and I don't know why.

Why now? Why 34? Why am I suddenly really angry, frustrated and just plain mad that I don't have everything I want? Not to mention, I feel like a failure.

I've been living in Los Angeles for 12 years now, pursuing a career in entertainment as an actress, writer and producer, and I am proud of the life I lead everyday. Lately, I haven't been able to see all the fun, wonderful things that I have done and the life that I have created for myself, all I can see and feel is the failures. I haven't booked a role on Television, I haven't been in any films with a wide theatrical release, I've been waiting tables for too GOD DAMN long and I've been on Mother F-in avail for more commercials than I care to admit.

I'm also 34, single, with no real prospects in sight.  I've never felt pressure to be married or start a family before, but 34 has brought this into my world. Is it me just letting myself know that I'm really ready for this? The science of my body saying, "Hey, you ain't getting any younger!" - Rude. Really rude. I'm not getting any pressure from my family, but as I watch my niece and nephew get older, I long for them to have cousins to grow up with and experience life with built in friends the way that we did.

I personally know people who's journey in Hollywood took 15 years or longer before they hit a level of success where they could quit their "day job" and actually make money acting. Eric Stonestreet of Modern Family was in LA for 15 years before he landed that life changing role. I was working at Kate Mantilini with Kate Flannery, waiting tables every day, when she had trouble letting go of her shifts at the restaurant even though The Office was renewed for a 2nd season and one of the most popular sitcoms on at the time, because she had seen almost successes for so long, it was almost impossible for her to comprehend that this was HER life changing role.

Sometimes chasing your dreams is hard, lonely, scary, full of doubt, pick your favorite doom filled adjective and run with it. BUT, in the long run there isn't much else I'd like to be doing. I've thought about going home with my tail tucked between my legs, really letting the failure, pity and sadness eek into my life, but that's not who I am. At my core I can find the silver lining and know that when I find my life changing role and the love that is meant to be my partner in crime, that it really will be the right time, right person, etc.

Bring it on 34, we've got 6 months to find our silver lining.