I found this old blog on another blog I used to have and wanted to share it with you all! So funny! Here it is, in its entirety from 2008. . . . I even mention MY SPACE, so you KNOW it's old ;)
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I was thinking the other day about college and high school and my early to mid twenties and I realized something slightly alarming. I used to be a stalker. Well, not a full blown, stalker-stalker, but a mild stalker.
What made me realize this?? Well, I found this guy, Seth, that I had a thing for in college and sent him a message on My Space and he has yet to respond. . . so, I got to thinking. . .WHY wouldn't he want to write me? We always had a good time . . .I prob liked him a little too much, but that is what I did. . .I saw a GLIMMER of hope and I fell hard. Attractive right?! Boys love that stuff right?! Wrong.
Here is the issue. I used to be a lot heavier than I am now. Fatter. Fatter would be the appropriate word. Not HUGE, but about 40 lbs over-weight. I was the really funny, (I"m still funny), cute girl that had a couple hot friends who always scored the boys. Occasionally I would attract one with my charming and sweet personality, but would ruin it with incessant phone calls and FAR too much drama for just a couple dates! : )
I was reading a journal from college the other day and it was full of things about boys! Boys! Boys! Boys! I was boy crazy. I was once so proud of myself for calling this boy Luke that I saw in a play! I didn't know him, but looked him up in the school directory and called him. We hung out for a bit til my stalker-ish desperate behavior pushed him away. You know what? I am still kind of proud of myself for calling him, that was something outside of my box and I am glad I did it.
There was one boy I just couldn't get enough of. And he was NOT the most stable person. He lived in a neighboring college town and I remember the first time I saw him. My girlfriends and I were dancing on this sunken dance floor at Washington's in Fort Collins and he and his friends walked by. We locked eyes and I was gone. Gorgeous, just out of the military, funny and charming too. Anyway, I am getting ahead of myself, he came onto the dance floor, but I couldn't tell which one of the 4 of us he was after, so I made my move. I stepped out of the circle and just "jumped" him. In a classy, freakin', dancin' kind of way. There was something about the way that boy moved against my body. It just made me instantly think about the other kind of moving we could do together! (slow dancing! Get your minds out of the gutter.) We danced for a bit and I do think he actually liked me. For me. And for my sexy dance moves. At the end of the night, when the blaring fluorescent lights came on like they do at 1:30 a.m. He and I were the last to leave the dance floor and he blurted out his phone #. I went, "What?" He repeated it and I went OK. Shockingly, I remembered it, NO! NOT SHOCKINGLY I am a stalker remember! We proceeded to have many a phone call and the remainder of our relationship was pretty much that. He always had another girlfriend, but we just had this connection. I don't know that he felt it to, but I don't think it was one-sided. The night before I moved to California we ran into each other in this bar. He asked when I was leaving and when I said, "Tomorrow!" He said " What?! No! That sucks! Listen, I am so wasted right now, I am going to try and call you when I get home, but if I pass out, which I probably will, PLEASE call me tomorrow." OK. The phone never rang that night, shocker, but I did call him the next day. He took me to lunch and he morphed into this gentleman that I did not know existed. He opened doors for me, he bought me lunch. He was so polite. I knew he had it in him. I visited a couple years after that last meeting and things had just deteriorated from where I last saw him, he was doing some hard core drugs and didn't want to hear any advice to the contrary. I think about him a lot and just hope that he is doing well. I occasionally look him up on Google, but have yet to hire a private eye to find him. My Stalking days are over.
So, to all those boys who were victims of a scared, lonely, self-conscious girl just looking for a little love, trying to figure herself out, I want to say Sorry. Sorry I was creepy and needy and a little weird. To be fair, you did your fair share of leading on, I didn't bark up the totally wrong trees.If you are one of those boys and you want to write a comment and let me know you forgive me, or tell your side. . . . feel free. I do also want to say Thank you. You helped shape me into the person I am today and I really love myself! (You sort of missed out!)
So, Trevor, Seth, Travis, Luke, Josh, Matt, Brian, Steve, Tyler, Doug, Jade, Stephen, and any other boys I may have called too much, emailed too much, left notes for, cried over, laughed with, ('m not sorry for the laughing) I am sorry. Also, I am much more confident, sexy and strong now and if you're single, leave me a message and I'll give you a call.
Kidding. Kidding, I am in a very happy relationship right now and don't need you anymore. Just for the memories.
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Though I fancy myself a much more secure, grown up (single) woman now, I do still appreciate the lessons I learned from all of these experiences. . . Ohhh and featured boy update, he now lives in the mid west, is married and has a daughter, which makes me SOOOOOOO happy that I don't have to worry about him anymore~
Friday, April 29, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Shattering WHY I Keep Attracting Unavailable Men . . .
I've been back on the "dating market" for almost two years now. Well, if you count the year it took for my ex and I to wiggle out of one another's grasps, its been about a year. I wouldn't say that I've been actively pursuing another relationship for that entire time, but I've been open to it. I have played around on some online dating websites, never opting to pay for a site like Match.com, but poking around on Plenty of Fish and OKCupid, which are both free sites, and well, let's just say that you get what you pay for.
Lately I have met a string of very interesting, attractive and successful men. They have all seemed interested in me, tell me how wonderful they think I am. Enjoy talking to me, text me occasionally and for all intents and purposes are "showing up" for me, in a way men hadn't been doing for the last year or so. The only thing was, they were all unavailable. I would normally chalk it up to bad luck, or divine protection, but this last string of unavailable men happened all within one month. I'm conscious enough to know that when something like this happens over and over again in my life, its something I need to look at. A friend and I were talking about this new development in my love life and contemplated what all of these unavailable men coming into my life could mean. Knowing that things are brought into your consciousness almost like a mirror being held up to you, so you can realize what beliefs you're holding about yourself, she asked me, "In what way are you being unavailable to yourself?" After we talked about it I realized that they weren't unavailable, they were all "committed to other women.' Though they were all showing up for me and telling me how amazing they think I am, funny, talented, pretty, charming, etc, they were all choosing to commit to other women. This started on a smaller scale almost a year ago.
One of the first guys I met on Plenty of Fish and actually hung out with a few times was a pretty cool guy. We got along really well, seemed to have similar interests and backgrounds, plus, he was a good kisser. I'm a sucker for a good kisser. Shortly after the dates he and I went on he decided to start dating another girl. Therefore ending our casual dating relationship. Though it hasn't ended there. Not really. We decided to stay friends, so we did. Yet, there's still the underlying flirtation in every text and every conversation. Which, admittedly so, I egg on and kind of like. In my own twisted way, I liked the validation and the attention. Yes, its sad, and yes I've grown out of that phase. Okay, maybe not completely. Needing validation from others and loving myself for the unique, bright light that I am is something I've been working on for a few years now and I am very happy to report that I consistently love myself more on a daily basis. I realize that my light is uniquely my own and if people don't see it or want to bask in the glow of it, there's not much for me to be gained there anyway. Instead of trying to make them want to experience and love my light, I simply realize, maybe they aren't my people and there's nothing wrong with that. Why waste energy on someone like that?
Anyway, I went on a little tangent there for a minute. Back on subject, online guy and I text back and forth occasionally, we toy around with the idea of getting together, and when his girlfriend was out of town recently, tried to make plans with me for "a little trouble". This fascinates me. What is it that makes a man want to cheat on his girlfriend. This is probably another reason that I've stayed in touch with this guy. I can't figure it out to save my life. If you have chosen to be with someone, in a committed relationship and even live with them, why would you actively seek out other women. For me, that seems like a red flag that something is wrong in your relationship. Could it be that he is simply seeking some of the validation that I seek myself? I know it's not really my job to analyze his part in this, or hers, its only my job to understand what my part was and to learn and grow from it.
My book club read an incredible book, "The Madonnas of Echo Park" by Brando Skyhorse, in it he has a passage about men and cheating. It resonated with me so much that I underlined the passage, and I never do that.
"When a man cheats on someone he's made a vow to love, honor and obey for the rest of his life, that list protects him, gives him courage, helps him reach the one lie that makes all deceit possible. I deserve this. In bed with that new woman, you feel your head, and sensation dangling between your legs, swell. This lasts until morning, when your sensation is the size of a flea and your only possessions are the lies you told them to get into bed. You guard those lies with your life, because to admit the truth is to admit how weak you are." ---The Madonnas of Echo Park pg 11 -- Brando Skyhorse
More recently. . .
I met a fabulous guy in Boston who lives in New York, because I also have an uncanny ability to attract men who live in NY, and after a lovely conversation, he told me he had a girlfriend back home. We continued our conversation as the grown adults that we were and quickly discovered that we had a lot in common and both enjoyed each others company. It was a definite case of "Another place, another time". Different circumstances and perhaps things would have been different. The amazing thing about my Gamer boy ( he works in video games) was how incredibly loyal he was and is to his girlfriend, even though they were having problems and possibly heading towards ending their relationship, he never once made an inappropriate move or did anything to disrespect his girlfriend or me. I know that this shouldn't seem like such an amazing feat, but its been awhile since I have come across a gentlemen like Gamer. Again, he was showing up for me, saying wonderful, lovely things like, "You're so funny, smart and charming, why don't you have a boyfriend?" Yet, as far as I know has remained committed to another woman, since we haven't had any contact since we met, I wouldn't know if they broke up or not.
A few weeks after that, I waited on a guy at my job who also seemed like a stand up guy. He is successful, spiritual, involved in charity and interested in helping me out with my career. There's nothing wrong with him, except for the fact that he's happily married and loves being a father to his two kids. I don't know that he necessarily fits into my pattern of men choosing to commit to other women, but he was a definite reminder that there are solid men out there, who want families and wives, the whole nine yards.
A few weeks after that, I sat next to a very interesting, Sexy Italian Man on a plane. Again, successful, ambitious, working with an organization to help save children from internet predators. I thought the universe had a great sense of humor with this one, because if I did end up with this Sexy Italian Man, I would find it very ironic, seeing as how he makes his living playing with very large guns and training counter-terrorism units and SWAT teams around the world. All of these things he does for great reasons, and for the right reasons, which is very attractive, but man, I dislike guns and their ability to rip a life away from someone before you even have a second to think about the consequences of your actions. I'm definitely a lover, not a fighter. We had a great conversation on the plane, exchanged info and have stayed in touch. He also recently informed me that he was newly dating a girl in London. This one chose to commit to a girl he has to fly across the world to see, instead of driving ten miles through the city of Los Angeles, which may actually take as long as flying to London, on certain days. ;)
A week later, I had coffee with an actor guy I met through mutual friends in December. We had hung out a few times in January, had some successful dates I thought, though he then disappeared off the face of the planet. When we met for coffee, we had a fabulous conversation where we were both able to say what we thought had happened back in February, and promised to be honest with one another. We both expressed interest in spending more time together and I left the conversation thinking, wow, that was great, how grown up was that?! Neither of us mentioned whether we wanted to date or just be friends. . . danced around it I suppose. One can only handle SO much honest conversation and confrontation in one night ; ) After a few glasses of wine that night, we were texting back and forth and I mentioned something about kissing each other again, to which he replied, "Ohhh I should tell you I've been dating someone for a couple weeks now." AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Forget the fact that he had looked me in the eyes and told me he just wanted to be honest with me, a few hours earlier, yet neglected to mention this newfound "dating".
So, needless to say, a pattern emerged in my life and I was forced to look at it. Why are all of these seemingly wonderful men who are all in line with the type of man I want to bring into my life, choosing to commit to other women? In what way was I not committing to myself in my own life? As soon as I said it out loud using THOSE words, I had a MAJOR AHA moment. I had created some wonderful opportunities in my life lately, I have two writing gigs that I'm actually getting paid for, I'm teaching at a Montessori school, I work at 2 restaurants, baby sit occasionally, and have been very, very busy lately. SO busy focusing on writing for other people that I have no time to put into my own creative ideas. I have ideas for scripts, blogs, TV shows, etc, flying at me from every direction these days, yet was not committing to my own creativity, so the universe found a way to show that to me.
Amazing. Now that I realize WHY all of these men were being brought into my life, I'm incredibly grateful for the lesson, but MAN, that was a tough one to work out. Since then I have dialed back my obligations to other people and am spending more time working on my own creativity with things like writing this blog!
I fully expect now to meet the man of my dreams that encompasses all of the amazing qualities I got glimpses of in all of these other men . . . right universe?! Universe?!
Happy Shattering!
If you are looking for a great read, please take the time to check out my acting coach, healer and friend Dee Wallace's amazing new book, Bright Light: Spiritual Lessons from A Life in Acting! Available TOMORROW!!!
Lately I have met a string of very interesting, attractive and successful men. They have all seemed interested in me, tell me how wonderful they think I am. Enjoy talking to me, text me occasionally and for all intents and purposes are "showing up" for me, in a way men hadn't been doing for the last year or so. The only thing was, they were all unavailable. I would normally chalk it up to bad luck, or divine protection, but this last string of unavailable men happened all within one month. I'm conscious enough to know that when something like this happens over and over again in my life, its something I need to look at. A friend and I were talking about this new development in my love life and contemplated what all of these unavailable men coming into my life could mean. Knowing that things are brought into your consciousness almost like a mirror being held up to you, so you can realize what beliefs you're holding about yourself, she asked me, "In what way are you being unavailable to yourself?" After we talked about it I realized that they weren't unavailable, they were all "committed to other women.' Though they were all showing up for me and telling me how amazing they think I am, funny, talented, pretty, charming, etc, they were all choosing to commit to other women. This started on a smaller scale almost a year ago.
One of the first guys I met on Plenty of Fish and actually hung out with a few times was a pretty cool guy. We got along really well, seemed to have similar interests and backgrounds, plus, he was a good kisser. I'm a sucker for a good kisser. Shortly after the dates he and I went on he decided to start dating another girl. Therefore ending our casual dating relationship. Though it hasn't ended there. Not really. We decided to stay friends, so we did. Yet, there's still the underlying flirtation in every text and every conversation. Which, admittedly so, I egg on and kind of like. In my own twisted way, I liked the validation and the attention. Yes, its sad, and yes I've grown out of that phase. Okay, maybe not completely. Needing validation from others and loving myself for the unique, bright light that I am is something I've been working on for a few years now and I am very happy to report that I consistently love myself more on a daily basis. I realize that my light is uniquely my own and if people don't see it or want to bask in the glow of it, there's not much for me to be gained there anyway. Instead of trying to make them want to experience and love my light, I simply realize, maybe they aren't my people and there's nothing wrong with that. Why waste energy on someone like that?
Anyway, I went on a little tangent there for a minute. Back on subject, online guy and I text back and forth occasionally, we toy around with the idea of getting together, and when his girlfriend was out of town recently, tried to make plans with me for "a little trouble". This fascinates me. What is it that makes a man want to cheat on his girlfriend. This is probably another reason that I've stayed in touch with this guy. I can't figure it out to save my life. If you have chosen to be with someone, in a committed relationship and even live with them, why would you actively seek out other women. For me, that seems like a red flag that something is wrong in your relationship. Could it be that he is simply seeking some of the validation that I seek myself? I know it's not really my job to analyze his part in this, or hers, its only my job to understand what my part was and to learn and grow from it.
My book club read an incredible book, "The Madonnas of Echo Park" by Brando Skyhorse, in it he has a passage about men and cheating. It resonated with me so much that I underlined the passage, and I never do that.
"When a man cheats on someone he's made a vow to love, honor and obey for the rest of his life, that list protects him, gives him courage, helps him reach the one lie that makes all deceit possible. I deserve this. In bed with that new woman, you feel your head, and sensation dangling between your legs, swell. This lasts until morning, when your sensation is the size of a flea and your only possessions are the lies you told them to get into bed. You guard those lies with your life, because to admit the truth is to admit how weak you are." ---The Madonnas of Echo Park pg 11 -- Brando Skyhorse
More recently. . .
I met a fabulous guy in Boston who lives in New York, because I also have an uncanny ability to attract men who live in NY, and after a lovely conversation, he told me he had a girlfriend back home. We continued our conversation as the grown adults that we were and quickly discovered that we had a lot in common and both enjoyed each others company. It was a definite case of "Another place, another time". Different circumstances and perhaps things would have been different. The amazing thing about my Gamer boy ( he works in video games) was how incredibly loyal he was and is to his girlfriend, even though they were having problems and possibly heading towards ending their relationship, he never once made an inappropriate move or did anything to disrespect his girlfriend or me. I know that this shouldn't seem like such an amazing feat, but its been awhile since I have come across a gentlemen like Gamer. Again, he was showing up for me, saying wonderful, lovely things like, "You're so funny, smart and charming, why don't you have a boyfriend?" Yet, as far as I know has remained committed to another woman, since we haven't had any contact since we met, I wouldn't know if they broke up or not.
A few weeks after that, I waited on a guy at my job who also seemed like a stand up guy. He is successful, spiritual, involved in charity and interested in helping me out with my career. There's nothing wrong with him, except for the fact that he's happily married and loves being a father to his two kids. I don't know that he necessarily fits into my pattern of men choosing to commit to other women, but he was a definite reminder that there are solid men out there, who want families and wives, the whole nine yards.
A few weeks after that, I sat next to a very interesting, Sexy Italian Man on a plane. Again, successful, ambitious, working with an organization to help save children from internet predators. I thought the universe had a great sense of humor with this one, because if I did end up with this Sexy Italian Man, I would find it very ironic, seeing as how he makes his living playing with very large guns and training counter-terrorism units and SWAT teams around the world. All of these things he does for great reasons, and for the right reasons, which is very attractive, but man, I dislike guns and their ability to rip a life away from someone before you even have a second to think about the consequences of your actions. I'm definitely a lover, not a fighter. We had a great conversation on the plane, exchanged info and have stayed in touch. He also recently informed me that he was newly dating a girl in London. This one chose to commit to a girl he has to fly across the world to see, instead of driving ten miles through the city of Los Angeles, which may actually take as long as flying to London, on certain days. ;)
A week later, I had coffee with an actor guy I met through mutual friends in December. We had hung out a few times in January, had some successful dates I thought, though he then disappeared off the face of the planet. When we met for coffee, we had a fabulous conversation where we were both able to say what we thought had happened back in February, and promised to be honest with one another. We both expressed interest in spending more time together and I left the conversation thinking, wow, that was great, how grown up was that?! Neither of us mentioned whether we wanted to date or just be friends. . . danced around it I suppose. One can only handle SO much honest conversation and confrontation in one night ; ) After a few glasses of wine that night, we were texting back and forth and I mentioned something about kissing each other again, to which he replied, "Ohhh I should tell you I've been dating someone for a couple weeks now." AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Forget the fact that he had looked me in the eyes and told me he just wanted to be honest with me, a few hours earlier, yet neglected to mention this newfound "dating".
So, needless to say, a pattern emerged in my life and I was forced to look at it. Why are all of these seemingly wonderful men who are all in line with the type of man I want to bring into my life, choosing to commit to other women? In what way was I not committing to myself in my own life? As soon as I said it out loud using THOSE words, I had a MAJOR AHA moment. I had created some wonderful opportunities in my life lately, I have two writing gigs that I'm actually getting paid for, I'm teaching at a Montessori school, I work at 2 restaurants, baby sit occasionally, and have been very, very busy lately. SO busy focusing on writing for other people that I have no time to put into my own creative ideas. I have ideas for scripts, blogs, TV shows, etc, flying at me from every direction these days, yet was not committing to my own creativity, so the universe found a way to show that to me.
Amazing. Now that I realize WHY all of these men were being brought into my life, I'm incredibly grateful for the lesson, but MAN, that was a tough one to work out. Since then I have dialed back my obligations to other people and am spending more time working on my own creativity with things like writing this blog!
I fully expect now to meet the man of my dreams that encompasses all of the amazing qualities I got glimpses of in all of these other men . . . right universe?! Universe?!
Happy Shattering!
If you are looking for a great read, please take the time to check out my acting coach, healer and friend Dee Wallace's amazing new book, Bright Light: Spiritual Lessons from A Life in Acting! Available TOMORROW!!!
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