Dating Woes and Failing to Shatter . . .

Lately I have been off and on some dating websites, only the free ones, because I just didn't want to put $ towards that right now. Well, I suppose the saying, you get what you pay for is glaringly true in this case. I have noticed that guys on Free dating websites are usually in it for one thing and one thing only. . . hooking up. AND this usually includes dudes who are already attached!

The latest and greatest is the texting vortex. This occurs when you meet online, send each other a few messages and then exchange phone numbers. Since we've become a disconnected society who seldom use our voices, you then start sending texts back and forth. Now, if you don't actually meet the person within a week or so of texting back and forth, in my experience, it ain't never gonna happen. So, I am currently stuck in this vortex of texting, but with a twist. Current dedicated texter is very nice and supportive, sends me messages asking about my day and how its going, wishing me luck before auditions, etc. . . with a twist. Twisted Texter loves to try to get my to SEXT with him. . . you know naughty texts, send me naughty photos of you, etc. I am so confused about what on earth would compel someone to naughty text a person they've never actually met in person? There are a few things that bother me about this.

1. Security/ Safety reasons:  I don't know you. How do I know my naughty pic isn't gonna end up on some random website, or being emailed around ala Venessa Hudgens?

2. WEIRD. This screams weird and it makes me incredibly hesitant to ever meet this guy. I feel like once you sext, there is going to be added pressure on the date to put out or get out.

3. What if, after all this crazy sexting, we meet and then there is no chemistry? But we've already shared these intimate, crazy sexts and now all dreams are dashed and spark has fizzled and its back to the drawing board?

Do you think its possible that Twisted Texter has just been dating super young girls and THIS is the result? That because of the way the younger generation SEXTS and makes out with all their friends, at the same time, that this is now bleeding into the entire world of dating? I don't want that.

Which is where the Failing to Shatter part comes in. Have I told the guy that I don't like it? Not outwardly. Where is the year of honest connection? Should I tell him, or just stop communicating and let him figure it out? It begs the question, if I am honestly connecting with myself first and foremost, does it even matter if I tell someone that I don't even know that I'm not feeling respected because of the "joke" text he sent me?

I woke up this morning with an anxiety about something and I'm not sure what it is. I seem to be going through a phase that I find myself in every so often where I try and try and try to find connection with someone and can't seem to work it out. I panic and check Facebook a million times to see if anyone has written me, or I try and text my friends to get a response. This bothers me to no end because I KNOW that I am always connected to everyone and everything, because it is all energy. I constantly struggle with seeking validation from others instead of knowing that I am enough myself.

In this phase, I seem to panic more and more about NOT being in a relationship and NOT having a man to complete or save me, which is complete bullshit. I know that it is, yet it keeps sliding back into my world.

Remember in Jerry Maguire when Tom Cruise said to Renee Zelleweger , " You complete me." and all women took a sharp inhale of breath and went, "Yes! That's it! I want that! I want someone to complete me."  Here's the thing though, no one can complete you, no one can save you, no one can validate you, except for YOU. If you look to someone else to complete you, you are NEVER going to be happy with them, or with yourself.

This is an old pattern and an old story in my life that holds me back from living the amazing life I know that I can. I'm stuck in the "story" of always picking the wrong guy, putting myself out there and getting crushed, rejected, and allowing someone I don't even know to dim my light and make me small. For an actress who deals with "rejection" in the business everyday and just lets it roll off my back, it would make sense that I could deal with "rejection" in romance and let it roll off my back but some part of me prefers to stay in the woe is me, I'll always be alone, no one understands me, blah, blah, personal emergency, blah. : )

Enough. We end it now and I know that I can only validate myself and complete myself.

The following three statements were made by Dee Wallace as I listened to her talk show on Voice America while I was typing this and thought they were incredibly fitting. . . imagine that?!

Have a beautiful day!

I am my light. I am secure in this world to let it shine.
I am the energy that discovers itself.
I am whole around all energy that I am connecting with.