A Facade of Happiness?

On my 31st Birthday this year I made a promise to myself, to honestly connect in every moment with myself, whomever I was with and to truthfully feel and experience everything. Sounds simple enough and almost as if it were something you should do without having to think about it, right? Ahhh, if only it were that easy.

I fancy myself a person who knows who she is, stays in the positive and consciously watches her thoughts, because I know that the thoughts I think manifest the world I live in. I want to consciously create my life in every moment. We have discovered lately that it is not simply the words that manifest the world we live in, but more importantly the feelings attached to the words. You can get on a treadmill for a year and repeat over and over, "Freedom, Bliss, Love, Happiness" and all that will change is your butt, as my spiritual guide and acting coach, Dee Wallace so lovingly shares. If you can't FEEL the experience of what you want how can you expect to create it in your life?

Imagine my surprise when I was talking to a friend about how I thought I was feeling pretty happy and experiencing a pretty fulfilling life and she came back with, "You have a facade of happiness, but you don't really FEEL happy." Sit with that for a moment. . .  If I sit and embrace that truth there is a vast pit in my stomach and a pain in my heart. I don't want that. I don't want to be that girl. I wan the FULL experience of life, love, pain, sorrow, joy.  So, what happened? How did I get to this place? When did I experience such pain or love and opened my heart only to be crushed? Shattered? When did I build a facade? As I write this there are a million and one thoughts running through my head, I could say this, I could say that, but the reality is that there is no one to blame, no one experience I can pin it on. I can say thank you to my ego for trying to protect me from the extreme joy, love or bliss that could result in pain, loss and torment and then move forward or I could lament over the sadness, all of the ride I have missed out on. I choose the latter.

So, I promise to be honest with myself in my everyday life and to share my "honesty experiment" with you all as honestly and connected as I can.

Who am I?

I am a girl who picks up her popcorn and soda after a movie and throws it in the trash, because I think you should and because I think everyone deserves respect.

I am a girl who can walk into a room, be inspired by an artist's photography, introduce herself to the photographer and feel a connection that she's never felt before, and KNOW that this is not the first time our soul's paths have crossed. I can send him a FB request, write an intelligent and inspired status about meeting him, "Isn't it great to honestly connect with someone and dance around them with sparks of interest and laughter?" Be thrilled when he replies positively and pick up and visit New York because he asked me to. I can have a romantic adventure with someone I just met and know that it was exactly what I was supposed to do. I am a girl who can completely give in to the connection, trust and know that he feels it to. Fly home and imagine a life together that is fantastic and amazing, full of travel and adventure, love and romance, and I can imagine one heck of a proposal fantasy. I have the whole thing planned out of how I would like him to Propose to me. . . it's a good one. . . go ahead, ask. What I can't do is process what went wrong . . . why he chose her over me. . . Is it the easy choice to date the girl who lives in NY and not the one who lives across the country in LA? Perhaps its because he's a Virgo and he is logical and practical? Because, I knew, with every fiber of my being, when he popped up on my FB chat and asked if I had a minute that whatever he had to say was bad news. It was that connection again, I just knew it. Yet, as he told me he was going to try and date a girl seriously in NY, I said I understood and that while I wanted him to be happy I hoped it didn't work out. I cried for about 2 seconds and then supressed the feelings that I was feeling. Sadness, angry, disappointment, confusion. How could he possibly feel what I felt and choose to NOT give it a go? Not even a CHANCE? To ignore the letter I had written him after my Grandma's funeral? A letter that was full of pain and deep, true feelings about death and my Grandma's life and our inherent differences. Why can't I be the girl who says, Don't worry, he's a douche. I can't. Because I believe in true love and I believe in Soul Mates and I believe in life lessons and experiences that help make us into the people we are everyday. I know that I learned something and that he is possibly learning something else by choosing to ignore this, me. What I didn't do was let myself feel the massive whole that his shotgun of rejection blew through my newly healed heart. When you open your heart to someone and it ends up getting damaged how do you move on?

You move through it, because on the other side is the love and the fantasy and the fairytale that you know exists. MORE IMPORTANTLY you must allow yourself to feel it as you move through it. If you shut your eyes during the whole roller coaster ride what's the point of even getting on the ride? I am angry at my photographer and I don't know that he even knows I am, because all i ever said was, "It's ok. I understand. Don't be sorry. It's timing, and location. Damn those 3000 miles." Why is it so hard for me to say, this sucks. I hate it and I hate you for making the choice. The easier choice. Am I not worth fighting for, trying? Putting in a little effort or some frequent flyer miles?

I saw Eat, Pray, Love tonight and loved this quote. "If you love him, love him. If you miss him, miss him. Send him love and light everytime you think of him. Then drop it."

Today I choose to connect honestly with myself and everyone I come in contact truthfully and in every moment.

Do you?